Who is Ashley, Anyway?
Who is Ashley?
I've always felt a little different. A little bit of an outsider to my own circle.
Often I heard what others thought about who I was, and brushed off how wildly inaccurate their interpretations felt.
I was waiting for the authentic parts of me to come out clear. The passion. The creativity. It was hard to understand why that was so difficult to do.
By the time I reached my twenties I had lived through hell. Abuse and trauma were the main markers for how I thought, felt and acted.
I hid what I could from the world.
I didn’t want anyone to know.
I didn’t want to believe that those things made me vulnerable.
I didn't want anyone to see how little control I really had. To the panic, the fear and the shame.
I wanted to be better than the things that happened to me.
Better than the experiences that made me feel that deep shame and fear.
I wanted to let go of it all without actually letting go. I wanted it to stay so far buried that I’d never face those painful memories again.
But it only got darker the deeper I pushed.
Over and over I heard people tell me how I needed to worry less. How safe I was.
But safety doesnt come from being told you're fine now.
Fear lives in the body.
The pain will not forget its way out.
The real release is messy.
Uncomfortable.
Even shocking at times.
I never wanted to be the victim but I kept playing the role in my mind.
I had to learn to let it all go, and it would take me some time.
I fell co-dependant to my relationship as mother. I used it in attempt to prove my worth, as raw and gritty as that is.
I poured every piece of me into being mother. It became my identity. For a time I believed my soul simply wouldn’t survive this body if it ever lost that role.
But as hard as I tried to create this perfect version, things always got harder. The energy pushed back at me.
I couldn't see it until I saw it.
I was sharing the pain instead of healing it.
Over time with much self exploration and learning, I stopped seeing my children as an extension of myself. I learned to unbind the tight knot I used to feel safe. Good intentions that were actually only serving to keep my wounds protected and deeply buried.
The work has always been to come back to myself. I don’t control anything outside of me.
Some days it's messy, more days it's beautiful.
But never perfect.
So I don't look at my children and expect them to be perfect either.
They prove to me every day that its okay to be a little different.
So who is Ashley anyway?
To be honest there are so many things that make me who I am it would be impossible to make a list of exactly that.
But I feel safe to say now that I am more than only a mother. And I know my kids want that for me. They want it for them too.
I do carry an honest deep love for my children and I’m grateful I took the time to learn to share that love with myself too.
The truth is, all those years I left her behind hoping one day she would just catch up.
Looking back to the past many years I spent healing and evolving, I was often asked who are you? What do you like? What brings you joy? Always the most difficult questions to answer, I truly never knew what to say. I loved spending time with my kids, but of course that answer was never enough.
Ask me today, and I will passionately tell you I also love taking photographs. I love walking through a forest of trees. I enjoy raw and honest story telling. I love having a handful of deep friendships that I am very loyal to. I so admire slow living and connecting to nature. I dream of a world where we raise our children to embody their individual soul expression. A time when we finally receive the message to look to the root not only the solution.
And finally, that I choose to stay the path. As many times as I’ve wanted to give up on the inner voice that pushes me towards discomfort…I value the messy, uneasy road of following my voice into the unknown.
I can say with no regret, I am a co-creator of my story. And…I get to choose which way to go next.
Written by Ashley Fazackerley
The WE blog is a collection of stories and journal entries from women sharing moments in their life that left them breathless. We believe in celebrating all moments. Whether they are the happiest moments of your life, moments that left you feeling lost. Or moments where you healed yourself again and again. We are here for all of it. No moment is too small. No moment isn’t worth celebrating. This is a safe space to share. A place where you can be yourself. A place to heal.
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