I'll Just Drift Away
Everything went black, I stood there waiting for the bus and everything went black. I didn’t know what was happening as I heard my loud heart beating like it was in my mouth and just numbed my whole being, about to stop my breathing and that was it I’ll just drift away and no one will notice.
All this was, was self inflicted the suffering, the intrusive thoughts, the only person behind it all was me. Living seemed like the hardest thing for me to do. It seemed like it would never end this constant longing to be free, little did I realize that I was the only key to my freedom.
I Was Not Meant To Live This Way
But where did I learn to live like this? We must have been taught by someone. Was it our mother? Was it our father? Was it the person we used to be in a past life? I pondered for many years on this single question and I could never pin point a single answer to this profound question until that AHA moment came over me like a feather slowly drifting through the ether. I felt captivated, stunned and even more so relieved. That this was not the way I was meant to live. I was meant to be free with not a care in the world. Like being a young innocent child just flowing through life. So happy to be barefoot and naked on the earth.
Was I Attracting This Into My Life?
I realized that I was attracting all of this negativity into my life. I was the only one behind it all, so if that was the case then couldn’t I change it? Of course I could but it was brand new territory. I decided I would try an experiment: I would act the opposite of how I was used to acting. Instead of freezing every time I entered a room with a mute look on my face, terrified to speak to anyone, I would smile, straighten the hunch in my back and give everyone a hug and just trick myself into being happy.
I wasn’t truly happy, but if I pretended maybe I could trick my brain into believing this new way of living. Soon it just became second nature. I felt like a fraud though because I wasn’t being honest I was lying to myself so others would believe I was healed.
But Was It The Smartest Thing?
Was this the smartest approach? After 10 years have flown by I can say that yes this was the smartest approach. I don’t even recognize the person I used to be. I shed all of the layers of who I thought I was and welcomed the person I truly was with open arms and haven’t looked back since. It has been a long road of persistence and focus to just feel okay. It’s still so hard but it’s the only thing keeping me going.
Written By Cassie
The WE blog is a collection of stories and journal entries from women sharing moments in their life that left them breathless. We believe that all moments should be celebrated whether they are the happiest moments of your life, moments that left you feeling lost or moments where you healed yourself again and again. We are here for all of it. No moment is too small. No moment isn’t worth celebrating. This is a safe space to share. A place where you can be yourself. A place to heal.
Here's what women are saying after writing their story:
“So surreal! I am so glad I could use this place to heal. It is perfect, it is supportive, it is beautiful. Thank you for this gift. I will cherish this opportunity forever.”
“It was such an interesting experience to write it. The process of writing it, is the moment that took my breath away.”
If this is speaking to you and would like to learn more contact us or fill out our submission form.
WE are a space where women can be celebrated and honoured just as they are; nothing more or less. We encourage you to be nosy and take a look around.
This space is for you. A place where you can be your badass self and surrounded by women raising the bar within themselves.