You Changed Me
It has been almost 3 years since losing you.
3 years of never forgetting you. 3 years wondering what life would be like if you were here. 3 whole years.
When I found out I was pregnant, a wave of emotions came over me. Sadness, uncertainty, excitement, anger, worry, happiness just to name a few.
It wasn’t suppose to happen. I thought that part of my life had come and gone. I was just getting my footing again, rediscovering who I was and starting something new.
But just like any “surprise”, the worry dissipated and excitement filled my being. We were all excited and couldn’t wait to see what adventures we would have together. It felt like I was living a second life since it has been 12 years since our last baby.
And in a blink of an eye, everything changed.
The routine testing didn’t go as planned but we stayed hopeful. More testing didn’t go as planned and we stayed hopeful, but after the last visit with the specialist, we couldn’t deny what was happening to our baby. And in four short months, you were gone.
I think the hardest part was the empty void inside of me. One moment you were there, and the next you were gone.
Grief took over my body.
An emotion that I was not familiar with and had no idea how to process. I'm pretty sure I cried more in those few months than I ever have in my entire life.
I cried because I lost you. I cried because I lost myself. I cried because I never knew how much I wanted you until you were gone. I cried because I knew I would never try again. I cried because I felt responsible.
Every season, every holiday, every milestone, I think of you. I think about what you would have loved doing, what your favourite foods would be, what your relationship would be with your sister, what adventure would be doing, what you would have taught me.
There isn’t a day I don’t wonder.
And as a sit a reflect on those days and the days after, I am filled once again with so many emotions. You changed the way I see the world. You changed how I live my life. You changed me. And ultimately made me a better person.
And every day I wish you were here especially this time of year. I would give anything to watch you discover and be amazed by this world. But I know you are around me, I see you and the little tricks you play. I love you my dear son. I will always love you.
Written by ANONYMOUS
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