To Forgive
If I look back on it now, I feel naive; a trait I thought I’d moved away from. Always thought “would never happen to me” or “I know I could take action in the moment”, but when the moment actually reared its ugly head - I froze. I tried to say no, I tried to fight but it wasn’t enough. It’s that story you hear, far too often...I thought I could trust him, I thought he was a friend. My guard was down. Trust and friendship established.
You took a lot more from me that night than you’ll ever realize.
A part of my soul, a glimmer of my sparkle, my fleeting sanity. From that day, for what seemed like an eternity, who I knew as “me” knew nothing of herself at all.
I wallowed in shame and guilt, embarrassment and disgust for months; choosing to see people in person increasingly less because it took so much energy to play “OK”. See, for most of my life I have been then one that doesn’t need checking on, the “I’m OK” even when the proverbial house is burning; some toxic mentality from my childhood trauma. So I never learned how to ask for help.
Forgiveness
But then I heard this sequence of quotes, “Forgiveness is, giving up the hope that the past could be any different...you think forgiving means to accept what happened to you, but in fact it’s accepting what HAS happened to you; not accepting that it was OK for it to happen. It’s letting go so that the past does not hold you prisoner, does not hold you hostage” and in that moment - I knew I had work to do, to forgive the universe (or god, or whatever you put faith in), to forgive the circumstance ... but more than anything to forgive myself. Forgive myself for ever thinking it was my fault, forgive myself for thinking I deserved it for being in a situation that “allowed” its existence, forgive myself for freezing and not being the saviour for myself, forgive myself for not loving myself enough to ask for help.
As the saying goes — time heals all wounds. Well, I half heartedly believe that; I more strongly believe that time, if you do the work, heals most parts of a wound.
...you took a lot more from me that night than you’ll ever realize...and though you’ll never see this, or know if it’s about you, I’m writing this for me; to let the universe know, that I’m taking it all back. My whole soul, all of my sparkle and so - much - more.
Written by Anonymous
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