The Battle Between My Body and My Brain
I have been calling my writings “ah-musings”
Broken down, it means this…
ah: used to express a range of emotions including surprise, pleasure, sympathy and realization
musings: to describe something that’s reflective or thoughtful, like a musing diary entry that explores the meaning of life. When you ponder or contemplate, you muse, and anything that appears this way can be described as musing.
The Battle
Sitting upright and rigid in the cool, early light of dawn at 6:57 am, I still feel myself resist, knowing only moments before, I was cocooned and comforted by warmth. At first, upon waking, before jarring myself out of bed, I feel myself resist opening my eyes.
My brain fights with my body, hard. It feels so good to keep my eyes closed after he rises. I faintly see the dim blue light from the TV, most likely CP24 as it always seems to be, sharply turn to black as he clicks the remote to walk out the door. A sense of relaxation comes over me as I am once again cloaked in darkness.
I hear his key in the door.
Click. It’s locked.
Again. Any tension I had in my body melts into the mattress. My eyes don’t need to close as tightly to block out the cool, faint light from the TV or yellow shine emanating softly from above the stove anymore. My eyes temporarily don’t need to block out the fact that it’s early and even though I want to keep sleeping, I should wake up. I feel it all in my body. Calm. Peace. Surrender. My body held between the sheets.
I momentarily allow my body and my brain to battle.
But only for a moment before my mind snaps me back into sharp awareness of things I should be doing. Back into making to-do lists and running through all the things I am behind on and where I am not taking action. Anxiety once again grips my chest. Its long, strong fingers wrapped tightly around my heart. Tightly around my neck. I can’t breathe. I momentarily allow my body and my brain to battle. My body - flowing, curvy, adaptable, fighting for the blissful surrender of my bones into the bed, of my soul hovering slightly above as I sink deeper into the plush mattress.
The calm excitement of sleeping a little longer washes over me. My body wanting to feel my feminine soft energy - an honouring like no other. My brain - logical, staunch, rigid, all-knowing, fighting for productivity and action, wanting to feed off that supposed masculine energy - an accomplishment to satisfy my ego. Today, I let the opposing sides of my being battle it out until, on this day, my brain wins.
On this day, my brain wins.
Knowing, as it wants me to, that to get up early is to have a bit more time to do the things that my feminine movement and energy craves. I allow presence to flood my every move. Feeling my way to a grounded awareness. Letting my body mindfully feel and move through the now still air of the apartment where he swiftly walked down the hall and out the door. I feel the cool, concrete floor on my feet as they step around my sleeping dog.
I let the droplets trickle down my cheeks as I splash water on my face. Hear the rapid like bubbling of water in the kettle as I prepare my morning coffee. Presence while drinking my lemon water, as I should before my caffeine hit. Patiently waiting for my Italian Press to gurgle, indicating I can move onto the next step of making a liquid that my brain craves more than my body. A liquid that my brain tells me I need this early in the morning to be productive. So as to feel it in my bones, feel it in my body, I’m present with each dutiful sip as I slowly sink into the couch, much like the mattress next to him, to write at 6:57 am.
Written by Stephanie Rankine
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