How I Found Healing in Chaos

Do you ever look back at moments in your life and wonder “How the fuck did I make it through that?” 

As a person that prides themselves on being so connected to their emotions, how do you find yourself so disconnected from the reality of these emotions? 

About 2.5 years ago, I went through something that changed me forever. A part of me always wonders if that person before everything, still lives inside of me. I don’t think she does but I long for her to come back to me.

A Bandaid Instead of Healing

I lost a piece of myself that day and everyday after. I tried to fill it with other things like work, family, new pets, caffeine, marijuana. Anything that will mask the pain a little longer so I could make through another day, another week, another month. It was like putting a bandaid over the wound instead of taking care of it and allowing it to heal over time. 

There is this phrase ”Time heals everything.” And when you’re knee deep in grief, it is hard to believe. It is hard to believe that old wounds will heal. That the pain from those events will lessen, and that one day I will allow myself to be truly happy again.

Healing takes Work

Over these last few months, my eyes have opened wider than they have in years. I could finally see how my broken heart was causing my body to be tired, my mind to be scattered, and my soul to be lost.

It has taken me 2 years to realize that time will not heal everything if I am not willing to put in the work.

And last November, the universe listened to my cries for help and made the decision for me. It was a cluster fuck of chaos. My life felt like it had completely shifted. But through that chaos, I realized I was tired of not living. I was moving through the motions of life but not truly living them. I wanted to not feel guilty for being happy and wanting to be happy.

I may have been a lost soul navigating their way through life but through that process, I found the strength to rediscover myself again and to stop endlessly searching for the “old me”. 

Now I choose to live day by day, trying my best not worry about yesterday’s troubles and tomorrow’s worries. 

My body is healing. My mind is healing. My soul is healing. 

And it feels good to say that. 

So I will to leave this here with you.