Fireworks & Parades vs. Sparklers & Strolls
The Little Voice
I stare at the blank computer screen. I have just hit the backspace, deleting an entire paragraph once again. I hear that voice inside my head over and over. It almost taunts me…
‘You are not good enough, worthy enough. What do you have to say that anyone would care to read?’
This voice is so accurate. I have lived with it my entire life. Taunting me, putting me down, shaming me. That little voice called ego - calling out from the dark side of my soul. I hate this voice. I want to turn it down, shut it off. I want to yell at it but I can’t, it's part of me. Instead I give it everything it wants and needs. Everything so that it can fester and grow and become stronger and more powerful. I take to the blog and start reading other entries. My Ego loves this. Reading the other women’s posts is feeding it, nurturing it. It gives it fuel to feel stronger and therefore speak more loudly. ‘You will never be as good as them!’ ‘You can’t do anything as good as them’
I hit the backspace repeatedly and wipe out my entire paragraph again.
What Makes You Happy?
Instead of stewing and wallowing in anxiety and self-doubt, I decide to take a deep breath and center myself. I look at my 9 year old who is casually playing on her iPad, humming to herself. She is engaged and happy. The dog rolls over and sighs. My 14 year old gets ready for an evening dance class where she will spend time with friends and do what she loves best. They all seem happy which makes me smile. I must be doing something right!
I ask myself, what makes you happy - isn’t that a million dollar question? Like any good mom my answer is ‘my kids, of course’. With genuine curiosity I think again - what truly makes me happy? I have to admit I don't know.
I have never been one for self-care or taking time just for me. I don’t have a hobby. I don't belong to any clubs or attend any events. I have very few true friends that I would call in a time of need. How do you find purpose once you are over 40?
How do you put yourself out there and find what truly makes you feel fulfilled? What makes you tick and lights you up inside? I know that there are things in my life that make me happy - my kids, my husband, my job, reading, yoga, good food, a glass of wine, movie nights. But none of these fill me with purpose. None of these things spark true joy and make me want to jump out of bed in the morning.
Overthinking it
Perhaps I am overthinking it and expecting too much out of life. Perhaps reading a good book and enjoying a glass of wine is enough. Maybe that’s what life is all about. Enjoying the small moments for what they are and realizing that there is happiness in being content. Maybe you come to a point in life where not everything is fireworks and parades and it is more sparklers and strolls. Maybe this is what growing older is all about.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn’t change my life for anything. I have great kids, a caring husband, a nice home, and a good job. Twenty years ago when I pictured my life this was roughly what I pictured. I guess I just expected life to be more exciting, more thrilling, more perfect, more….
These thoughts bring me back to my anxiety, my ego, my feelings of worthiness. I wonder if I spent less time with my worrying thoughts and more time in the present, would I live more? Would I join the art class or the book club and not care so much about what my ego had to say? I like to think that beneath all the overwhelming thoughts is someone who knows how to live, how to do life right. It is just taking a bit of time to unearth her. It is like discovering a new friend bit by bit. In the past I would have said ‘oh I can never join a pottery class, I wouldn’t be good at it’ but one of these days I may just throw caution to the wind and jump in and give it a try.
Worth the investment: ignoring the voice
In some ways I feel that I am just beginning to live. I am hitting my stride and learning more about me. My girls are older, allowing me time for myself and I like being on this journey. This journey of self discovery and self worth. It is uncomfortable at times but as I grow I realize that I am worth the investment.
As I sit here worrying over if I should leave in 5 minutes or 7 minutes to pick up my daughter from dance, I take a breath and decide instead to focus on one new thing I would like to try. If I can step out of my shell and try something new it may just be the first step on a new journey of discovering me.
Written by Susan Miranda
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