Finding Me
When your world as you know it explodes.
That moment stands still , like a black and white photo from a life once lived.
That deep pit of constant nausea in my gut, a rapid pulse, dry mouth , and a stream of tears.
Breathless and somewhat lifeless.
It is what I experienced on a early October evening, as my husband of 35 yrs a man a person I believed to be my best friend for over 40 yrs, revealed to me that he was seeing someone, not just someone, the women he had an affair with 25 yrs earlier.
An affair I forgave, buried but did not forget.
I believed Love would heal all. I still believe that.
It’s honest communication that was missing.
It’s the Love of self that saves our bruised and battered hearts. I know this now.
The questions still linger.
Why didn’t t I see it coming?
Why am I not enough?
What’s wrong with me?
How did this happen twice?
How could I trust someone to break my heart yet again?
The first time I had young children and full time job to keep me busy.
I believe when he came back 2.5 yrs later it was because he loved me and our family, but did he really?
Did I waste 25 yrs loving someone who would never truly love me?
Dreams…. My dreams gone.
Not long after he left, the second time, I lost my job.
Everything I knew changed.
Now I was all alone, my biggest fear had come to be.
I retreated into myself, I stood strong to the outside world.
My inside world crumbled. I honestly felt I had no one to talk to.
I have many friends and a wonderful family that watched the first time, it was hard to fail again.
I really didn’t want my adult children to have to pick up my pieces as they had their own hearts to heal.
I needed to care for me, something I’ve not done well at in the past.
I needed to find me….start again.
I was never alone, never an exploring teen or adventitious adult.
I was Untethered.
I was alone, scared and empty.
This man my friend made a decision that fractured a whole family.
A community of lives and hearts, families were disrupted.
Where to start?
Who was I?
Not a wife, not a mother no longer a business person.
I understand fully the importance of Breath the inhale and the long extended exhale as we let those emotions move through us.
I’ve come to understand feet firmly planted.
It’s what I’ve taught others, now the practice.
I’ve had to dig deep, ride the waves and come up for air with a smile.
I now have the time to explore my needs, beliefs and desires to create new dreams build trust through courage, grit and resilience.
Some days it feels like an eternity and other days feel like yesterday and I’m back in the sadness.
But only for a brief minute.
Thank to all of those that have had my back. I am Grateful.
Hello I am Nina.
I am a strong, capable single Woman.
Written by Nina Patterson
The WE blog is a collection of stories and journal entries from women sharing moments in their life that left them breathless. We believe in celebrating all moments. Whether they are the happiest moments of your life, moments that left you feeling lost. Or moments where you healed yourself again and again. We are here for all of it. No moment is too small. No moment isn’t worth celebrating. This is a safe space to share. A place where you can be yourself. A place to heal.
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